Being "nice"
Mar. 7th, 2011 11:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amanda_loddenD wrote a post, way back in October, asking why being nice isn't the norm anymore. It resonated with me on a number of levels. I think that some of what we perceive as "not nice" is really "not observant." We simply don't notice what's going on with other people until it forcibly intrudes. I also don't think that's always a bad thing-- we live in a world where privacy is not expected, and by not paying a lot of attention to the people around us we are giving them a modicum of privacy. It would be just as "not nice" to stare or to pry. What we fail at is balance-- we become "not nice" by failing to notice someone trying to get our attention because we are blocking the aisle, and we also become "not nice" by noticing that the woman behind us has a smudge of lipstick on her teeth.
More often, we become "not nice" because we have different information than others do. We forget that not everyone automatically knows what we know. When your cell phone rings in a restaurant and you choose to answer it, those around you don't know that it's a friend who is depressed and likely to commit suicide, or that it's your kid's school and they only call your cell in emergencies. Everyone else only knows that you're forcing them to listen to your half of the conversation in a public place. You may be rushing home because your babysitter called to say that your toddler is vomiting and has turned white as a sheet, but the people you cut off in traffic don't know that. To them, you're the jerk who couldn't spare 90 seconds to wait for the red light.
Most often, we're not nice because we're wrapped up in ourselves. It's okay to value oneself; confidence is appealing on many levels. But frequently, we get so involved in ourselves that we don't stop to think about others. The person in the example above with the sick toddler who pushes a too-yellow light has gotten wrapped up in herself, and it doesn't occur to her that other people might also be trying to get home to sick children or spouses or pets. In D's post, he used an example of when he was a teenager working at a retail job, and encountered a customer who wanted him to do something against store policy (and something he wasn't capable of doing anyway). The customer, of course, was the jerk in the story, but I couldn't help but think how no one in the story (D nor the other customers in line behind the jerk) stopped to consider any possible reasons why the jerk might ask for what he asked for. Sure, there's plenty of "because he didn't want to have to take responsibility" options, but what if there was more to that guy's life right then than met the eye? Oh, don't get me wrong, his actions towards D were still out of line; I'm not at all suggesting that D was in the wrong. I'm just saying... what if?
What if, by reacting to someone who currently has different information than we do by assuming they are a jerk and treating them as such, we are being a jerk ourselves? What if, by reacting to someone who really is a jerk most of the time, we let ourselves get wrapped up in righteous indignation and then become a jerk to the next person we encounter-- someone who didn't encounter the first jerk, and sees us as the whole of the problem?
What if we assume that nice is still the norm, and that the people who are not nice are people who are usually nice (or nice enough, at least) but currently have different information than we do or are currently embroiled in their own personal crises, and react to them with, if not kindness, at least understanding that "jerk right now" doesn't necessarily mean "jerk all the time"?
More often, we become "not nice" because we have different information than others do. We forget that not everyone automatically knows what we know. When your cell phone rings in a restaurant and you choose to answer it, those around you don't know that it's a friend who is depressed and likely to commit suicide, or that it's your kid's school and they only call your cell in emergencies. Everyone else only knows that you're forcing them to listen to your half of the conversation in a public place. You may be rushing home because your babysitter called to say that your toddler is vomiting and has turned white as a sheet, but the people you cut off in traffic don't know that. To them, you're the jerk who couldn't spare 90 seconds to wait for the red light.
Most often, we're not nice because we're wrapped up in ourselves. It's okay to value oneself; confidence is appealing on many levels. But frequently, we get so involved in ourselves that we don't stop to think about others. The person in the example above with the sick toddler who pushes a too-yellow light has gotten wrapped up in herself, and it doesn't occur to her that other people might also be trying to get home to sick children or spouses or pets. In D's post, he used an example of when he was a teenager working at a retail job, and encountered a customer who wanted him to do something against store policy (and something he wasn't capable of doing anyway). The customer, of course, was the jerk in the story, but I couldn't help but think how no one in the story (D nor the other customers in line behind the jerk) stopped to consider any possible reasons why the jerk might ask for what he asked for. Sure, there's plenty of "because he didn't want to have to take responsibility" options, but what if there was more to that guy's life right then than met the eye? Oh, don't get me wrong, his actions towards D were still out of line; I'm not at all suggesting that D was in the wrong. I'm just saying... what if?
What if, by reacting to someone who currently has different information than we do by assuming they are a jerk and treating them as such, we are being a jerk ourselves? What if, by reacting to someone who really is a jerk most of the time, we let ourselves get wrapped up in righteous indignation and then become a jerk to the next person we encounter-- someone who didn't encounter the first jerk, and sees us as the whole of the problem?
What if we assume that nice is still the norm, and that the people who are not nice are people who are usually nice (or nice enough, at least) but currently have different information than we do or are currently embroiled in their own personal crises, and react to them with, if not kindness, at least understanding that "jerk right now" doesn't necessarily mean "jerk all the time"?
