Re-writing history
Dec. 20th, 2008 07:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amanda_loddenThere's been a trend I've been noticing lately, in which people tell a story in which they conveniently leave off parts. It's easy to do, cutting out that bit there that makes you look bad. It's seductive, too-- once you start telling it that way, the whole story seems BETTER somehow. So you keep telling it.
The problem is, there's always another side to the story, one that involves someone else. And making it sound better to you usually makes it sound worse for them. So, to keep everyone honest, here's the bits that I've seen edited out recently. In the interest of fairness, I'll start with my own stories:
Right after Mom died, I tended to play up Jim's question about how I'd feel about them coming back after dropping me off at home as the "reason" why I didn't come home. In truth, I made a judgment call, and it was wrong. I had presided over three other "impending deaths" with Mom, and I was certain that this was another "near death" that she would recover from. When it became obvious that it was more serious, I didn't think I'd make it there in time. I might have. When she finally died, I felt guilty about not being there. It was hard to accept that I wasn't there because of the choices I made, so I blamed Jim. Of course, I know perfectly well that Jim would have come back with me, would have moved heaven and earth to get me where I declared I needed to be. Hopefully, Jim also realizes that if I had been determined, he couldn't have stopped me even if he'd wanted to.
On a similar note, I was also furious with my father for a while, because while I wasn't there when Mom died, he was-- it seems that he brings a car up to the Dream Cruise every year, and he happened to be 5 miles away from Mom when she died, while I was two states away. In truth, I don't really give a damn about where my father. I'm vaguely miffed that he comes up every year and doesn't bother to make any attempt to see me, not even "Hey, do you want to have lunch with me?" but mostly it's just an indication that I can stop making sure I leave that door open (I've been trying to make it a point to send a birthday card or a holiday card or something, to make it clear that if he's inclined to try to contact me, I wouldn't slam the door in his face). Past that, I pretty much feel that it's his loss. But for a while, it was easier to be angry with him for being nearby without attempting to get in contact than it was to be angry with myself for NOT being nearby at all.
On to the ones that aren't about me!
One of my friends posted an journal entry (no, there's no link, you either know about it or you don't need to) about the final fallout with his ex-girlfriend and mother of his child. In it, he uses the phrase "we found out she was pregnant. She broke up with me?!?! Then told me to get out of her life for ever". Well, except for the bit in between the finding out and the breaking up, in which he demanded she have an abortion and treated her like crap when she refused. (Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that a mother who keeps a child when the father doesn't want it has no right to demand child support-- but she does have the right to decide to have the baby, and once she has the baby she has the right to decide whether to give it up for adoption or raise it. And a father who demands that the mother get rid of the child has no right to see the child afterward. Either you accept the child, or you don't. There's no half-way.)
Also, the contractor who lives in my house and I got into a spat today, because I recommended him to two sets of friends for work on their houses, and he's been absolutely terrible about follow-through. I made excuses to one of the couples because the other's couple's home project was so extensive and "took up so much of his time." And then I discovered just how much he hadn't done on the extensive project. When I called him on it, among other things he blamed me for pulling him off the project for three and a half days to install a furnace, and that moreover he had given me a "fantastic deal" on the furnace. Except that the furnace in question was purchased in August and sat in my barn for 4 months, and the only reason it took three and a half days to install it was because they'd fucked up when they put the ducting in months before by not labeling the ducts-- so they spent the first day figuring out what went where. The furnace is still only half-finished, because the air conditioning isn't finished, and it's not installed the way I said I wanted it when the ducts went in, because each room was supposed to be its own zone with its own thermostat-- so there's one thermostat in the hallway, and I still have to use electric heaters in two of the three rooms that we use (the fourth room is not in use, but is also really bloody cold and would require a heater if we used it). The idea that the problem was the furnace rather than his ability to prioritize and plan is complete bullshit, because if he could prioritize and plan, my furnace would have been put in before it got cold, and the couple who moved into their new house today would have kitchen counters and a sink.
The problem is, there's always another side to the story, one that involves someone else. And making it sound better to you usually makes it sound worse for them. So, to keep everyone honest, here's the bits that I've seen edited out recently. In the interest of fairness, I'll start with my own stories:
Right after Mom died, I tended to play up Jim's question about how I'd feel about them coming back after dropping me off at home as the "reason" why I didn't come home. In truth, I made a judgment call, and it was wrong. I had presided over three other "impending deaths" with Mom, and I was certain that this was another "near death" that she would recover from. When it became obvious that it was more serious, I didn't think I'd make it there in time. I might have. When she finally died, I felt guilty about not being there. It was hard to accept that I wasn't there because of the choices I made, so I blamed Jim. Of course, I know perfectly well that Jim would have come back with me, would have moved heaven and earth to get me where I declared I needed to be. Hopefully, Jim also realizes that if I had been determined, he couldn't have stopped me even if he'd wanted to.
On a similar note, I was also furious with my father for a while, because while I wasn't there when Mom died, he was-- it seems that he brings a car up to the Dream Cruise every year, and he happened to be 5 miles away from Mom when she died, while I was two states away. In truth, I don't really give a damn about where my father. I'm vaguely miffed that he comes up every year and doesn't bother to make any attempt to see me, not even "Hey, do you want to have lunch with me?" but mostly it's just an indication that I can stop making sure I leave that door open (I've been trying to make it a point to send a birthday card or a holiday card or something, to make it clear that if he's inclined to try to contact me, I wouldn't slam the door in his face). Past that, I pretty much feel that it's his loss. But for a while, it was easier to be angry with him for being nearby without attempting to get in contact than it was to be angry with myself for NOT being nearby at all.
On to the ones that aren't about me!
One of my friends posted an journal entry (no, there's no link, you either know about it or you don't need to) about the final fallout with his ex-girlfriend and mother of his child. In it, he uses the phrase "we found out she was pregnant. She broke up with me?!?! Then told me to get out of her life for ever". Well, except for the bit in between the finding out and the breaking up, in which he demanded she have an abortion and treated her like crap when she refused. (Don't get me wrong, I firmly believe that a mother who keeps a child when the father doesn't want it has no right to demand child support-- but she does have the right to decide to have the baby, and once she has the baby she has the right to decide whether to give it up for adoption or raise it. And a father who demands that the mother get rid of the child has no right to see the child afterward. Either you accept the child, or you don't. There's no half-way.)
Also, the contractor who lives in my house and I got into a spat today, because I recommended him to two sets of friends for work on their houses, and he's been absolutely terrible about follow-through. I made excuses to one of the couples because the other's couple's home project was so extensive and "took up so much of his time." And then I discovered just how much he hadn't done on the extensive project. When I called him on it, among other things he blamed me for pulling him off the project for three and a half days to install a furnace, and that moreover he had given me a "fantastic deal" on the furnace. Except that the furnace in question was purchased in August and sat in my barn for 4 months, and the only reason it took three and a half days to install it was because they'd fucked up when they put the ducting in months before by not labeling the ducts-- so they spent the first day figuring out what went where. The furnace is still only half-finished, because the air conditioning isn't finished, and it's not installed the way I said I wanted it when the ducts went in, because each room was supposed to be its own zone with its own thermostat-- so there's one thermostat in the hallway, and I still have to use electric heaters in two of the three rooms that we use (the fourth room is not in use, but is also really bloody cold and would require a heater if we used it). The idea that the problem was the furnace rather than his ability to prioritize and plan is complete bullshit, because if he could prioritize and plan, my furnace would have been put in before it got cold, and the couple who moved into their new house today would have kitchen counters and a sink.
