Movie review: The Three Musketeers
Oct. 28th, 2011 11:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amanda_loddenI imagine that the initial planning meeting went something like this:
"Let's re-do The Three Musketeers!"
"Didn't Disney already do that movie?"
"Yeah, but it's nearly twenty years old. We could recast it with today's hot young actors. Plus, we could do better special effects. We could make the fights have that stop-action thing in the middle where time supposedly slows down."
"Hot young actors cost a lot. Let's go for just one or two, and maybe an actress who used to be hot but is starting to slow down."
"If we're going to pay for a good actress, we'll have to make the part more appealing to women."
"I didn't say good, but you're right, let's make Milady De Winter be totally bad-ass. Chicks dig that, right? Hey, I know, let's use the director's wife. She's been in a few movies, and she's still got a nice body. That counts, right?"
"You know we're basing this off a novel, right? I mean, the book is 160 years old, and the attitudes towards women have changed a bit. We're going to have to deviate a lot from the book to make Milady be bad-ass."
"Book, schmook. We'll keep what we like, and to hell with the rest. Hey, people like that Da Vinci guy, right? He's the go-to historical figure for wacky 'period' inventions. Let's put him in, too."
"Oooh, I like it. Steampunk is big now. Can we add in some completely non-period mechanical bullshit, brass it all up with gears and crap, and claim it was all Da Vinci's idea?"
"Now you're thinking! And chase scenes. We need lots of chase scenes. Maybe some of the Da Vinci mechanical things should be vehicles."
"Flying vehicles!"
"Flying vehicles it is. But we're overlooking something important. How do we make sure we get lots of boobies on screen?"
"Eh, that's easy, just stuff all the women into big 'period' dresses and forget to include the top part of the bodice. SCA people do it all the time."
"But ruffs were in vogue. Won't it look silly to have a woman in a ruff when her dress stops a full foot below her neck?" *
"Who cares? Boobies!"
It's not actually a BAD movie, it's just not really a GOOD movie, either. Netflix it, so that you can fast forward through the worst of the ridiculous bits.
* Note: I am aware that in some of the fashion of the time, a lady could show her decolletage, but typically even the slutty dresses stopped well above the tops of the breasts, whereas some of the movie's dresses practically showed nipples. Also, and I really can't stress this enough, ruffs look really really dumb when they are free-floating a mile above the dress's neckline.
"Let's re-do The Three Musketeers!"
"Didn't Disney already do that movie?"
"Yeah, but it's nearly twenty years old. We could recast it with today's hot young actors. Plus, we could do better special effects. We could make the fights have that stop-action thing in the middle where time supposedly slows down."
"Hot young actors cost a lot. Let's go for just one or two, and maybe an actress who used to be hot but is starting to slow down."
"If we're going to pay for a good actress, we'll have to make the part more appealing to women."
"I didn't say good, but you're right, let's make Milady De Winter be totally bad-ass. Chicks dig that, right? Hey, I know, let's use the director's wife. She's been in a few movies, and she's still got a nice body. That counts, right?"
"You know we're basing this off a novel, right? I mean, the book is 160 years old, and the attitudes towards women have changed a bit. We're going to have to deviate a lot from the book to make Milady be bad-ass."
"Book, schmook. We'll keep what we like, and to hell with the rest. Hey, people like that Da Vinci guy, right? He's the go-to historical figure for wacky 'period' inventions. Let's put him in, too."
"Oooh, I like it. Steampunk is big now. Can we add in some completely non-period mechanical bullshit, brass it all up with gears and crap, and claim it was all Da Vinci's idea?"
"Now you're thinking! And chase scenes. We need lots of chase scenes. Maybe some of the Da Vinci mechanical things should be vehicles."
"Flying vehicles!"
"Flying vehicles it is. But we're overlooking something important. How do we make sure we get lots of boobies on screen?"
"Eh, that's easy, just stuff all the women into big 'period' dresses and forget to include the top part of the bodice. SCA people do it all the time."
"But ruffs were in vogue. Won't it look silly to have a woman in a ruff when her dress stops a full foot below her neck?" *
"Who cares? Boobies!"
It's not actually a BAD movie, it's just not really a GOOD movie, either. Netflix it, so that you can fast forward through the worst of the ridiculous bits.
* Note: I am aware that in some of the fashion of the time, a lady could show her decolletage, but typically even the slutty dresses stopped well above the tops of the breasts, whereas some of the movie's dresses practically showed nipples. Also, and I really can't stress this enough, ruffs look really really dumb when they are free-floating a mile above the dress's neckline.
