The nature of family
Apr. 30th, 2007 09:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amanda_loddenMy mom is in the hospital in ICU right now. She passed out from high blood sugar, had a stroke and a mild heart attack (or possibly had a stroke and passed out, and her sugar skyrocketed from not eating.. the exact order is somewhat unclear). She is doing much better now, though she still has quite a lot to go as far as stroke recovery. Still, she's alive, awake, and alert. These are all good things.
This post is not about her. This post is about the things that go on when a loved one is in the hospital.
As background, my family situation is a little weird. I didn't meet my father until I was in my thirties and I've never met his other children, but I'm close with his siblings and their children and grandchildren. My maternal grandparents married when their kids were teenagers, so that the man I called "Grandpa" shared no DNA with me at all, and I grew up calling his grandchildren "cousins" with the same connotation as the "cousins" on my father's side that do share blood with me. To me, this is perfectly normal, because it's always been that way. As I got older and started having to explain it to other people, I adopted the slogan that "family is not what's in your blood, it's what's in your heart."
When I talked to my cousin to tell her (and by extension the rest of her side of the family) about my mom, she said that she and her family felt really bad for me because I'm an only child and all alone.
Only child? Yes. Stubbornly independent? Yes, probably more than is good for me. Alone? Goodness, no. I have all you folks.
In the last week, I've had no less than a dozen people tell me that if I need anything, anything at all, to call them. For several of them, I know that I could call them for help even if what I wanted wasn't exactly legal, or fell into an ethical gray-area. People who see me often have been tending to mother me a little, asking about whether I've eaten or slept, making sure that I'm still taking care of myself as well. I get hugs whenever I want them, from whoever I want them from. Although I have not asked him out of respect for his own preferences, I'm pretty sure I could get a hug from Kevin, who hates to be touched, if I needed one. And that's not including the support and help from John, who is, as always, fantastic.
And I'm pretty sure that in response to this post, I'll get a couple more comments or emails saying that if I need anything, just ask.
And that's got me thinking about the nature of family, especially given my existing mantra of "family is not what's in your blood, it's what's in your heart." All the well-wishers are people I would also go to great lengths to help. Based on what's in our hearts, I have been blessed with an incredibly large family. So what if I don't share genetic material with all of them?
None of this is meant to demean the people who do share genetic material with me. My list of people I feel I could call at three in the morning and say "I need a favor" includes quite a few people who are related to me. They are among the folks who have offered help, and they didn't have to-- I already knew I could ask them for anything I need. They too are my family, not because they are related but because they are people I would choose as family even if they weren't related.
Thanks to everyone who has given support, everyone who has offered support, and everyone who would have offered support sooner if they'd known sooner (for which I apologize; it's been hard to keep everyone in the loop, and the thing I hate most is having to repeat the same updates over and over and over. Especially on the early days when the updates weren't very positive.)
This post is not about her. This post is about the things that go on when a loved one is in the hospital.
As background, my family situation is a little weird. I didn't meet my father until I was in my thirties and I've never met his other children, but I'm close with his siblings and their children and grandchildren. My maternal grandparents married when their kids were teenagers, so that the man I called "Grandpa" shared no DNA with me at all, and I grew up calling his grandchildren "cousins" with the same connotation as the "cousins" on my father's side that do share blood with me. To me, this is perfectly normal, because it's always been that way. As I got older and started having to explain it to other people, I adopted the slogan that "family is not what's in your blood, it's what's in your heart."
When I talked to my cousin to tell her (and by extension the rest of her side of the family) about my mom, she said that she and her family felt really bad for me because I'm an only child and all alone.
Only child? Yes. Stubbornly independent? Yes, probably more than is good for me. Alone? Goodness, no. I have all you folks.
In the last week, I've had no less than a dozen people tell me that if I need anything, anything at all, to call them. For several of them, I know that I could call them for help even if what I wanted wasn't exactly legal, or fell into an ethical gray-area. People who see me often have been tending to mother me a little, asking about whether I've eaten or slept, making sure that I'm still taking care of myself as well. I get hugs whenever I want them, from whoever I want them from. Although I have not asked him out of respect for his own preferences, I'm pretty sure I could get a hug from Kevin, who hates to be touched, if I needed one. And that's not including the support and help from John, who is, as always, fantastic.
And I'm pretty sure that in response to this post, I'll get a couple more comments or emails saying that if I need anything, just ask.
And that's got me thinking about the nature of family, especially given my existing mantra of "family is not what's in your blood, it's what's in your heart." All the well-wishers are people I would also go to great lengths to help. Based on what's in our hearts, I have been blessed with an incredibly large family. So what if I don't share genetic material with all of them?
None of this is meant to demean the people who do share genetic material with me. My list of people I feel I could call at three in the morning and say "I need a favor" includes quite a few people who are related to me. They are among the folks who have offered help, and they didn't have to-- I already knew I could ask them for anything I need. They too are my family, not because they are related but because they are people I would choose as family even if they weren't related.
Thanks to everyone who has given support, everyone who has offered support, and everyone who would have offered support sooner if they'd known sooner (for which I apologize; it's been hard to keep everyone in the loop, and the thing I hate most is having to repeat the same updates over and over and over. Especially on the early days when the updates weren't very positive.)
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no subject
Date: 2007-04-30 09:49 pm (UTC)Alone?
Me?
Hardly. I have too much family (of the chosen kind) to ever be allowed to be alone. But sometimes it is difficult to get people to understand that. Invariably, those people have large, close-knit blood families though, so I don't mind too much. Eventually everyone gets that I am happy and well cared for and it all works out. (Usually one introduction to any of my various groups of friends takes care of that.)
So yeah, I hear where you are coming from, and oddly, your situation doesn't seem wierd to me. Then again, I am in the Bay Area, so maybe my filters are out of whack with the rest of the world :)
no subject
Date: 2007-05-01 02:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-03 12:35 am (UTC)I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom!
Let me know if there's anything that I can do to take some stress off from you.
Take care of yourself!
-Sandra