Better now
Sep. 11th, 2008 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amanda_loddenWhen people ask me how I'm holding up after recent events, I usually give a generic answer of "I have good days and bad days."
This is partly because there are many people who ask, and are genuinely concerned for my well-being, that I don't feel comfortable pouring my heart out to. (Considering that the number of people I've ever poured my heart out to in my entire lifetime totals a whopping six, and two of those have since passed away, this isn't really a reflection on the people who are asking, but rather a reflection of my tendency to keep things to myself.) Even with the four remaining confidants, I tend not to want to keep repeating the same teary confessions over and over-- it feels a lot like poking a wound repeatedly with a sharp stick. It doesn't make anything better.
But mostly, it's because I have some good days, and I have some bad days. They're not predictable, they can't be scheduled, and "day" is often pushing it because it might be more accurate to say that I have some good hours in a row, and some bad hours in a row.
Yesterday was a very bad day. Major stresses coupled with a depressed attitude to begin with meant that I ended the day by cuddling up with John and crying on his shoulder until I was too exhausted to stay awake any longer.
Today is a halfway decent day. I've gotten the one task that Must Be Done Today done, and I'm 95% of the way through the two tasks that I'd really like to get finished today. The pile o' potential stresses isn't towering over me today, and I can think about the past without bawling or spending all of my time focusing on the bad memories.
Tomorrow... who knows? I'll find out what tomorrow's like when I get there.
This is partly because there are many people who ask, and are genuinely concerned for my well-being, that I don't feel comfortable pouring my heart out to. (Considering that the number of people I've ever poured my heart out to in my entire lifetime totals a whopping six, and two of those have since passed away, this isn't really a reflection on the people who are asking, but rather a reflection of my tendency to keep things to myself.) Even with the four remaining confidants, I tend not to want to keep repeating the same teary confessions over and over-- it feels a lot like poking a wound repeatedly with a sharp stick. It doesn't make anything better.
But mostly, it's because I have some good days, and I have some bad days. They're not predictable, they can't be scheduled, and "day" is often pushing it because it might be more accurate to say that I have some good hours in a row, and some bad hours in a row.
Yesterday was a very bad day. Major stresses coupled with a depressed attitude to begin with meant that I ended the day by cuddling up with John and crying on his shoulder until I was too exhausted to stay awake any longer.
Today is a halfway decent day. I've gotten the one task that Must Be Done Today done, and I'm 95% of the way through the two tasks that I'd really like to get finished today. The pile o' potential stresses isn't towering over me today, and I can think about the past without bawling or spending all of my time focusing on the bad memories.
Tomorrow... who knows? I'll find out what tomorrow's like when I get there.
